Father, forgive me

My God; My Father; Abba...

I have fallen astray. 

Have mercy on me. 

I write this post with a heavy heart. Tears are streaming down my face as though all I feel is held in these mere tear drops of mine that are unworthy of Your ear. ... of Your heart.

Funny how this is. Gravity is directing my tears in a downward direction when it's commonly thought that You are only up in the sky somewhere. And yet I've come to know that You are everywhere; all around; omnipresent. 

Words fail me. I'm very good expressing myself through feelings but not so much through words. I am, however, intentional becoming better at this for spoken word and prayer is important in the Christian journey.  

I have disobeyed You and I know it - I've known it for the longest time. It doesn't come as a surprise to me as, although I wouldn't define myself as someone who isn't well taught (and by well taught I don't mean that I haven't received good teaching, I just mean that I have not taken deliberate steps and spent a good amount of time building my relationship with you through scripture reading, meditation and embodiment), I have not lived according to Your teachings - Your word.

My heart is heavy today and has been for a while. It's heavy because it holds so much of what I've kept inside. I've become so protective of my feelings. I'm afraid to talk, afraid to commit, afraid to let known, of being known. I'm afraid of my feelings and experiences being made available for people to judge me.

Anyway, back to the core of this post... There's so much that I am ashamed I have done; and to an equal extent, what I have not done. I've fallen short of Your teachings and this has definitely been self-inflicted. To some extent it's because of my laziness, to some extent it's because of my surroundings. It shows in how I conduct myself both individually as well as around people. For the most part, I have chosen myself over You and yet I tell people that I live for You. See that's it. I have been outwardly living instead of inwardly being and becoming. I have created this outward demeanor of being a child of Yours - which I correctly know I am - yet for all the wrong reasons. In so doing I have conformed more and more to societal things than being transformed by the renewal of my mind. Being renewed by Your teaching and in prayer. 

Forgive me, Father, for I have known yet I have not been. I haven't been what You teach me to be and ironically I don't now the detail of this, I just know what is commonly known. I pray and pray and pray asking You to, "please help me", yet even though you have provided me the tools, I have not made use of them. You say You help those who help themselves and I have not done anything yet I want to be a different person. I have fallen into sin; all puns intended. You know the details of this. My heart telepathically communicates this to You and I trust that You do not turn a deaf ear on this. But I want to be more. To do more. 

Father, I have tried in my own strength yet I know my strength alone cannot fight my battles. In the same light, it is my choosing, facilitated by Your Holy Spirit, that could bring practical and evident change in my life. I ask that Your Holy Spirit continues to encourage me that I may be a better person. That I may do better things - pleasing to You. 

Lord, I am taking a step in what I know is the right direction. Order and continue to order my steps in Your direction, Lord. That in my journey of life here on earth, all I seek is you in  Heaven. Have Your hand an way in my life. Nami ngize ngibonakale ukuthi ngingoWakho. My heart yearns for You. Like the dear that pants for water, so my soul longs for Thee. 

I don't know if this prayer to You makes sense, nor do I know if it flows. As mentioned letting out my feelings is difficult for me and hopefully in time I'll get better at it. Just please help me to better.

A yearning heart.